Bleak Expectations

It's been a while since I wrote a review, and even longer since I wrote a play review. I’ve probably forgotten how to do it, but nevertheless, here we go.

I have just seen the play Bleak Expectations at the Criterion Theatre in London. Unfortunately, by the time you read this, it will have closed, so you won’t be able to share my enjoyment. ☹

However, if, as I suspect, Watermill Theatre (side note: is this the production company or the theatre where it was first performed?) notices what a good thing they have going on, it will soon be given a UK tour (unfortunately, due to the Britishness of the material, I doubt that it will break into the American market, although I am happy to be proved wrong).

UPDATE: The show is apparently not as popular as I thought; in fact, even the Criterion run was cut short due to a lack of ticket sales. So sorry, but you’ve missed it. Read on to find out what you missed.

Radio series - Bleak Expectations is based on the BBC radio series of the same name, which ran from 2007-2012. It is a parody of Dickensian novels, loosely following the structure of Great Expectations (emphasis on the word loosely).

Visual jokes – At first, I thought that the stage show wouldn’t work because of the radio show’s reliance on visual jokes. Some of you may have spotted the problem with that. One of my personal favourites comes from the second series, in which a character is trying to beat the land speed record set by a motorcar going at 30mph using 100 horsepower (these numbers may be incorrect, before any Motorhead fans get in the comments).

Of course, he tries to do this using 101 horses (fun fact: this is completely unnecessary, as one horse actually goes at about four horsepower – work that one out!) On the radio, this is achieved by having Trevor the sound guy impersonate a lot of horses:

© Mischief Comedy 2021

Most of the visual jokes described on the radio (“I’m being torn apart by vengeful underwater squirrels!”) are quite extreme and often involve a surfeit of animals. However, when performed onstage, people expect to see these horses. How does the play get around that? By writing out the horses (mostly; there’s one that’s mentioned near the beginning when a character holds some reins attached to an offstage horse provided by Trevor the sound guy).

Series 1 – The stage show is mostly an adaptation of series one of the radio show (fair enough; condensing 3 hours of material into a 2-hour play is a lot easier than condensing 15 hours of material – also there are no Martians to contend with)

Hardthrashers – Throughout the radio show there are families of secondary antagonists. Each one is played by Geoffrey Whitehead, playing a different sibling every episode, because each character is introduced and then killed in the same episode. He plays a different family in every series, each with a violent-sounding name – the Hardthrashers, the Sternbeaters, the Whackwallops, the Grimpunches, and the Clampvultures.

In the play, because it is only based on series one, the only family used is the Hardthrashers. Because of the length of the show, there are only four instead of six, but they continue the tradition of all being played by one actor (in this case Marc Pickering, understudied by Eric Mallett)

Disclaimer: Casts may vary. Refunds will not be issued in the event of an understudy performing.

↑Their disclaimer

Disclaimer: You’re reading this after the West End show closed. Neither Marc nor Eric is probably in the cast now. Touring casts change all the time and I can’t help you until you learn this.

↑My disclaimer

Although some of the Hardthrashers have the same occupation as in the radio show, an additional character of a bishop was added (now I think of it, I think he was a lower member of the clergy’s hierarchy, but he was dressed as a bishop so let’s go with that).

The methods of death have changed as well. In the radio show, Jeremiah Hardthrasher (headmaster of St. B******s) is crushed by an anvil (apparently cartoon logic works on radio as well), but in the stage show, he is eaten by hungry students. Also, his first name was changed from Jeremiah to Wackwell. Why?

Guest Stars – Bleak Expectations (the play)’ gimmick is that they have a Guest Narrator. The play tells the story of Pip Bin and is told by the world’s greatest author Sir Philip Bin (Pip as an older man). In the radio series, he is dictating his life story to a young journalist named Sourquill, who isn’t credited in the entire first series because (SPOILERS).

The narrator changes once a week and the script changes slightly to make fun of that narrator. Having only seen it once, I only know how that applies to one narrator – see below. Even though the narrator is always male (Sir Philip), on several occasions a woman plays him. I don’t know for certain how this works, but from the clips I’ve seen of Sally Phillips this is played completely straight and the problem is disguised by a generous moustache.

Are there any women here?

The narrator mostly reads their lines from a book so relatively little rehearsal time is needed. However, unlike most West End shows, there is no performance on a Monday, so I suspect they use this as rehearsal time with the new narrator.

Disclaimer: Refunds will not be issued in the event of any particular guest narrator not appearing.

↑Their disclaimer

Criterion – I have no idea why I thought that this was noteworthy, so I’ll just briefly list my thoughts on this theatre.

Firstly, for a long time it was home to the cheapest ticket in the West End, The Comedy about a Bank Robbery (Ticket prices start at £10). The cost is not indicative of the quality of the play; it’s a very funny (first-hand knowledge from watching the touring version – casts may vary), entry-level play for people who aren’t massive theatre fans. Unfortunately, it’s now closed at the Criterion (obviously) and the last UK tour finished in 2019 and (as far as I know) there are currently no plans to revive the English version (it’s currently playing in Hungarian with a planned production in Norway)

Fun Fact: Seeing TCAaBR is what originally inspired Penn Jillette to approach Mischief Theatre about creating Magic Goes Wrong.

Secondly, like several other theatres in the West End, The Criterion is a lot taller than it looks from the outside because the majority of the theatre is underground. This means that, despite being three stories deep, it technically only counts as one story high, and only the entrance needs to be on ground level, so the rest of the theatre can be built on top of for other buildings. Things might get awkward if they try to install a basement though.

Thirdly, the accessible entrance. This is what the front of the theatre looks like:

Pic of Theatre front

Looks accessible, no? Well honestly, I don’t know because the accessible entrance is at the back. I can also only find pictures where the doors are closed, so there may be stairs beyond that. All the other underground theatres I have been to have involved going down a small set of stairs (manageable for a wheelchair by using a stair climber).

© HANCOCKMARTIN 2008

On the other hand, the Criterion’s accessible entrance leads to a very long downward ramp, immediately followed by a right turn and an equally long upward ramp leading to a door into the auditorium. I now have even less understanding of the building’s internal geography.

 

Anyway, this is a review of a play, not a theatre, so let’s get cracking!

 

Act I

 

Pointless – As I mentioned above, the guest narrator changes weekly (although in the original Watermill Theatre version it was the same actor, Nicholas Murchie). Based on the word used in my notes, can you guess who I saw?

That’s right, Ben Miller Alexander Armstrong. The above picture is from the play’s website, which is updated weekly. For those who don’t understand the joke, long before he was on Pointless, Armstrong was in a comedy double act with actor Ben Miller.

Several of their sketches are unsuitable for a family-friendly blog such as this, but so is the play that this post is about, so I recommend checking them out. My personal favourite is a sketch about a pianist, which you can search for, but I won’t link it here because family-friendly. Their Blue Peter parodies are also very funny.

OK, so above this point, I have mostly only used mild context-free spoilers. From this point below, expect DETAILED SPOILERS from both the radio show and the play.

Sourquill – As I already mentioned, the radio series uses the narrative structure of Sir Philip dictating his life story to a journalist named Sourquill. I also mentioned that his voice actor was uncredited, and the reason for this was that he turned out at the end of the first series to be the grandson of the series’ primary antagonist, Mr. Gently Benevolent.

As such, both characters are played by Anthony Head, although his voice is so different, I didn’t even notice. He wasn’t credited, presumably to keep the twist secret. However, I can’t understand why this matters, as multiple casting was commonplace in the series. Celia Imrie plays both Pip’s mother and his aunt; Sarah Hadland plays Pip’s wife, daughter, and a number of other parts; Geoffrey Whitehead plays 30ish characters and Mark Evans (the writer) plays a different character in every episode.

Anyway, the play flips that structure by having Sir Philip narrate the story to the audience. It also establishes him as the world’s greatest author, which I don’t believe he was in the radio series.

Hand – The first character we meet is a hand.

Addams hand

Not that hand. This one is actually attached to an arm, although we don’t learn whose until the end of the show. Despite being attached to an arm, the hand technically counts as disembodied because we don’t see the rest of the body. Anyway, the hand appears at various points throughout the play to adjust things and carry props around.

The first instance of this was when it leaned out of a picture frame on a hinge to pull a lever, which made a bookcase spin around, revealing the narrator Ben Miller Alexander Armstrong. He then introduced himself as ‘the Pointless man’ “Actually I prefer ‘The man from Pointless’!” He is called The Pointless Man twice in the show and 50% of those-

Once – Ed.

50% of those are by himself, so it’s unclear who he’s complaining to.

Books – Making up a significant part of the set is a large pile of books, which makes no sense to me. They are relevant to the plot (if I remember correctly) on only three occasions when they are used to represent a set of stairs, a salt mine and a rubbish heap respectively. At no point do they represent books, so I don’t know why they are fashioned as such. Yes, it’s canonically based on a book, but that’s a tenuous link.

Pic of the book pile

There’s a gap hidden in this pile – see if you can find it.

Pip, Pippa, and Poppy – This is a joke that was copied almost verbatim from the radio series, which itself was a parody of the opening lines of Great Expectations:

“My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name being Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer than or more explicit than Pip” – Great Expectations, © Dickens 1861

Bleak Expectations obviously has a few lines prior to this Re the Pointless Man (Strictly speaking, Great Expectations actually starts a few lines earlier with a brief description of the location – I’ll be pendantic, so you don’t have to), but it parodies this [copied from the book to make sure I get the wording right]:

 “My father’s family name being Bin, and my Christian name being Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer than or more explicit than Flip-top Bin. Over the years this was shortened to Ip, then extended once more to the far more name-worthy name of Pip” – Bleak Expectations, © Evans 2007

This is not actually what I was referring to in my notes. This next bit requires some context:

Great Expectations is about Philip Pirrip (Pip), and it is established very early on that his parents are dead, and he was brought up (by hand, which means exactly what you think it means) by his sister, 20 years his senior.

Bleak Expectations, on the other hand, is about Philip Bin (Pip, played by Dom Hodson) and his two younger sisters (age difference not mentioned), Pippa and Poppy (Serena Manteghi and Rachel Summers respectively). They were brought up by their mother (Ashh Blackwood) until Pip was 17 because their father was often away for work, although he did come home when he could (see Anvil, below).

Anyway, the part copied  from the radio show is on one occasion when their father Thomas Bin (played by Shane David-Joseph) comes home, he says hello to his children with the following tongue-twisting exchange:

Thomas: My Children! Pip and Pippa!

Pip and Pippa: Papa!

Thomas: Pippa and Poppy!

Pippa and Poppy: Papa!

Thomas: Pip and Poppy!

Pip and Poppy: Papa!

Thomas: Pip, Pippa and Poppy!

Pip, Pippa and Poppy: Papa!

On stage, this is accompanied by them all looking up at Thomas on the upper level and turning around to face the audience when their names are said, resulting in this exchange:

Thomas [Mr Bin]: My Children! Pip and Pippa!

Pip and Pippa [turning around]: Papa!

Thomas: Pippa and Poppy!

Pippa and Poppy [turning around]: Papa!

Thomas: Pip and Poppy!

Pip and Poppy [turning around]: Papa!

Thomas: Pip, Pippa and Poppy!

Pip, Pippa and Poppy [turning around]: Papa!

ADVICE TO THE READER: DO NOT TRY TO READ THIS BLOG ALOUD

Puppy – I probably put this under Pip, Pippa, and Poppy because I remembered it in this order because tongue twister. It actually didn’t turn up straightaway (see Anvil, below).

Therefore, I will instead mention that having used Pip (Philip), Pippa, Poppy, Thomas and Agnes (their mother, so far unnamed in this blog), we have now almost run out of normal names, the only other being Harry Biscuit). I will mention that none of the above characters have sensible middle names though. I believe that one of them has the middle name Put-It-In-The.

Parsimonious – Like the radio series, we are introduced to Thomas’ business partners, Mr. Skinflint Parsimonious, ironically the most generous of men (J.J. Henry) and Mr. Gently Benevolent (John Hopkins).

Not family friendly – I did not include Mr. Benevolent’s description above because it needs some warning. Mr. Benevolent’s description is that he is ‘ironically a complete b******’ [word censored for this blog, but you might be able to guess what it is].

However, whereas the radio show has Sir Philip describe them as narration, in the stage show Pip just says it to their faces.

Pip: Despite your name, Mr Benevolent, you are in reality a complete b******.

[Exact wording may will almost certainly differ]

For some reason, in this world with bread swords, CCTV paintings and communion cannons, I still find it hard to suspend my disbelief enough to believe that an Victorian gentleman would say this to someone’s face.

The show is mostly PG in nature but contains several uses of that word in different contexts.

Horse – I mentioned earlier that visual jokes involving horses have to be removed, but this one remains. In this joke, Benevolent mentions that he owns a wild horse, which is shown by him holding reins attached to a horse offstage (there is at least a 60% chance that this ‘horse’ is actually a stagehand).

Annoyingly, that’s all I can remember about the context.

Anvil – You’ve been looking forward to this bit, haven’t you? On one of his trips home, Thomas gives his children gifts:

Thomas: For Pip, a pipe, for Poppy, a puppy and for Pippa, an anvil.

Why does he give her an anvil? This is never explained as he dies shortly afterwards, but it does come in useful on several occasions later in the play. Chekhov’s Anvil? Maybe.

However, she never shows any confusion about this and in fact, she is very grateful for her gift, as are her siblings.

Side note – Although I am sure that in reality the anvil is probably made of foam, rubber or similar, all the actors do a fantastic job of miming its cartoonish weight. Also, the sound engineer has the timing of placing/dropping it sound effects down perfectly.

Mirror ­– This is a terrible note to remind me what happens next. Not because it’s inappropriate, but because it’s completely irrelevant. Benevolent comes on and announces that Thomas has died, eaten by penguins. In any other show, this death would take place offstage, because, you know, penguins, but in Bleak Expectations a two-way mirror turns transparent (feel free to make fun of my poor grasp of scientific terminology in the comments below).

This should still be the same sentence, but it had already run along more than enough and was too long for a paragraph, so I’m going to pick up again from partway through: A two-way mirror turns transparent and Thomas is shown screaming and eating sound effects are used, but we don’t see properly, because, again, penguins.

Benevolent now says he is the legal guardian of Pip, Pippa and Poppy and therefore Agnes must stop her job of bookkeeping for her husband (actually a relatively common practise in Victorian times) and either become a housewife or go mad, of which she chooses the latter (see Ironing, below)

↑I can’t definitely remember the first option, but I believe that it was either this or something similar.

Bakewell Havertwitch – Pip ends up in a graveyard with the grave of his father, when he is startled by a convict who bears a stunning resemblance to his father (Shane David-Joseph in the first of many dual-castings). This man is Bakewell Havertwitch, a parody of Magwitch from Great Expectations (hopefully not a very deep-cut reference).

Bakewell is attached to a long chain, which he asks Pip to break. I believe he does it with Pippa’s anvil, although I can’t remember why he had it. Bakewell introduces himself, resulting in the following exchange:

Bakewell: I’m Bakewell Havertwitch.

Pip: And do you?

Bakewell: Do I what?

Pip: Do you have a twitch?

Bakewell: No, but I do bake well.

Remember that; it’ll be important later.

Ironing – As I mentioned earlier, Agnes went mad as a result of her husband’s penguin-based demise, and as part of this, she takes up voracious (this word would have had more impact had I spelled it correctly the first time) ironing, ironing everything she can get her hands on, leading to one of the more ridiculous props in the show, The Table Mat Formerly Known as Poppy’s Puppy.

Clock – I don’t know why I thought I’d get some material out of this. Past Phil knows nothing about writing apparently. There’s a clock on Stage Left (the audience’s right) which has a hidden door in it.

Photo of clock

Can you see the door?

From this point on, Benevolent and Agnes pretty much exclusively use this door for entrances and exits. Although most of the time it’s treated as an ordinary door instead of a clock.

School/Wackwell (Jeremiah)/Blindfold/Food/18 ­– All of these notes can be used as one heading. There isn’t enough material in any single note to warrant its own section. Benevolent says that until Pip comes of age at 18 (in 6 months), he should go to the School of St. B******’s. It is here that we meet the first Hardthrasher sibling, the headmaster, Wackwell (Marc Pickering).

As I mentioned earlier, in the radio series his name is Jeremiah, a perfectly normal and relatively common name for the time period. The only reason I can think that this was changed is because of his relatives in the third series of the radio show, the Whackwallops.

When they are introduced, a ‘Who’s on First’ type sketch happens:

Hardthrasher: You will only speak when spoken to. Is that understood?

Pip: Yes sir-

Hardthrasher: You DARE to interrupt me?

Pip:

Hardthrasher: Well answer boy, do you dare to interrupt me?

Pip: No s-

Hardthrasher: He does it AGAIN!

This continues for some time. Eventually, Hardthrasher produces a cane, and says that he will whip (this word feels incorrect but unfortunately, I can’t come up with a better one) Pip. He also says that he will do it blindfolded because he enjoys it more. Of course, in this surreal world, this means that it is Hardthrasher wearing the blindfold, meaning that Pip is easily able to avoid getting hit.

Now a student at the school, Pip is encouraged with the other students to sing the school song (which had very funny lyrics, none of which I can remember). Sir Philip describes the diet, which is best not described here as it is deliberately nauseating. Suffice to say, it does not constitute a fully balanced diet.

While at the school, Pip meets his new best friend Harry Biscuit (also played by J.J. Henry – expect some 7th wall jokes). Harry warns him that although he is nearly 18, no student at St B******s has ever lived that long due to being murdered. Therefore, Pip decides he must come up with a plan…

Salt mine – Pip hears that Mr. Benevolent is going to marry Pippa tomorrow, so he has to come up with a plan, and fast. Annoyingly, I can’t remember what he does, but he ends up alone in the school salt mine, where he starts to hallucinate. This gives him the idea for a plan to escape from the school. He tells Harry to bring the other students to the headmaster’s office, and to bring cutlery.

Once there, he tricks Hardthrasher into being restrained, then encourages the hungry students to eat him (thankfully, the actual eating takes place offstage).

Wedding/Parsimonious/Dress/Christening sword – Pip arrives with Harry just in time to see Pippa preparing for the wedding. She laments to Pip that unfortunately their good friend Mr. Parsimonious has died. Harry laments that he will never meet him.

Also present is Poppy, who now has a chill. To ensure her safety, Pip removes her from the crossfire by sending her outside into the snow.

Pip comes up with a plan and wears Pippa’s dress in the hope of confusing Mr. Benevolent, who enters followed by Bishop(?) Hardthrasher (Marc Pickering). Benevolent instantly sees through Pip’s deception and pulls out a sword. Pip forgot to bring a sword to a swordfight (on account of having just escaped from school and also wearing a wedding dress), but fortunately he reaches into the church font and produces the Christening Sword.

During the swordfight Hardthrasher gets involved.

Hardthrasher: You wouldn’t stab a member of the clergy, would you? [He is impaled on Pip’s sword] Well I totally misread that situation. [dies]

The swordfight continues for a while until Benevolent produces a pistol. Pip only brought a sword to a gunfight so accuses Benevolent of cheating. Benevolent reassures him that it is not a pistol, it is merely a novelty pistol-shaped cannon-lighter.

Death – Pip, having only brought a sword to a novelty pistol-shaped cannon-lighter fight, doesn’t stand much of a chance. Benevolent lights a cannon which he produces from inside the clock and fires a cannonball but misses. The cannonball ricochets around the theatre, eventually hitting Pip in the stomach. Laughing evilly, Benevolent leaves.

Poppy re-enters, her chill significantly worsened. As it turns out, snow was not a sufficient cure. She quickly succumbs to the release of death. Not long after, Pip follows her. The curtain closes on Pippa and Harry surrounded by the corpses of Pip, Poppy and Bishop Hardthrasher.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Act II

 

It occurs to me that I may have made that joke a little darker than necessary. I promise the play made it funnier.

To lighten the mood a little, I will mention the music. Before the show and during the interval, some modern pop songs are played, but Victorian-style instrumental covers, some of which are very good. I highly recommend trying to identify each song while it is playing. The theme song from the radio show, Mazurka from Three Characteristic Pieces by Elgar is played at the top of the second act, but not the first act.

Go home – The Pointless Man re-enters, and politely explains that because he died, there is no second act, so to go home. They only bothered with the interval to keep the bar open. After very few people actually take him seriously, he reluctantly continues his story.

This is an adaptation of a similar joke in the radio show. After one of his ‘conveniently placed cliff-hanger endings”, Sir Philip says that he was killed. An excited Sourquill asks him to clarify:

Sourquill: Did you die?

Sir Philip: Yes.

Sourquill: Really?

Sir Philip: Of course not you imbecile! Now come back next week when I will tell you how I survived, but lost something far more important…

Want to know what he lost? The full series is available on Audible (This post is not sponsored).

Number 53 – I have no idea what this refers to. I think one of the houses was number 53, but that’s the most context I can remember. I don’t think they even said it aloud.

Broadly Fecund – Shane David-Joseph in his third role. This time he’s a vicar, and he and his daughter Ripely (Rachel Summers in her second role) are nursing Pip back to health after his unfortunate cannon accident.

Elephant Man - The Elephant Man was not a Dickens character; he was a real person named Joseph Merrick (people often think he was called John because of the 1980 movie, but it was actually Joseph). He had a disability known a Proteus Syndrome which disfigured his appearance, causing people to give him the nickname ‘The Elephant Man’. You can read more about him here Joseph Merrick Wikipedia and his skeleton is on display at the Royal London Hospital.

Why is he relevant to this? Because he wore a bag over his head, to disguise his appearance. Ripely does the same thing. You might think that this is to distract from the fact that it’s obviously the same actress as his sister, but there’s actually a far better in-universe explanation.

She claims that she is wearing the bag to hide the disfiguration on her face, but after Pip has been nursed back to health, he requests that she remove the bag so he can see her real face. This is how he discovers that her disfiguration is actually caused by fake rabbit ears, half a Deeley bopper (yes, that’s really what they’re called) and a third thing I can’t remember.

Pip then confronts Broadly about this, who explains that he did this because he didn’t want to end up alone after Ripely got married. The artificial modifications would render her unable to find a suitable beau in Victorian England (online dating didn’t exist yet), leaving her an Old Maid* able to look after her father in his old age*².

*The term Old in this context does not necessarily refer to being elderly. It just means being female, unmarried and past marrying age (usually about 21).

*²The term Old in this context does refer to being elderly.

Sister – His health now restored, Pip continues to spend time with the Fecunds, and he learns to love Ripely like a sister, playing together “like siblings would”; talking together “like siblings would”; wrestling together “like siblings would”.

It is obvious that Ripely wants more than a fraternal relationship, but with the term Friendzone not being invented until 1994*, she would have to wait a while to express this properly to Pip.

*This isn’t a joke. You can look it up!

Governess – Soon Pip realises that he must return to London to make sure Pippa and Harry are safe. Promising to write to Ripely, he makes his journey there. While in London, he encounters a woman called Flora Dies-Early (Ashh Blackwood’s second role).

He goes to speak to her, but is quickly apprehended by her governess, who keeps her head down to hide her identity. When she lifts her head, it is immediately obvious that she is in fact the third Hardthrasher sibling (Marc Pickering). Hardthrasher iterates to Pip that it would be totally improper for him to talk to an unmarried woman in the street. Pip therefore requests that he speak to her at her home. Hardthrasher reluctantly agrees and they arrange a time to meet.

However, when Pip arrives, he is surprised to only see Hardthrasher.

Pip: Where is Miss Dies-Early?

Hardthrasher: She is in another room.

Pip: In the parlour?

Hardthrasher*: In Scotland.

As Pip and Flora’s relationship advances, they are gradually allowed to sit in the same country, then the same county, the same city, the same street, the same building and finally the same room. Eventually, they are pledged to be married.

Meanwhile, Ripely continues to write letters of an increasingly explicit nature including references to otters in springtime WITH DIAGRAMS. She promises to keep all her letters from Pip close to her heart.

*Regrettably, I can’t remember how this Hardthrasher dies, but be reassured that she does.

Bin – Pip/Sir Philip’s surname is Bin, which if you are like me, you assumed to refer to some part of his character like all the other characters in the show (The Hardthrashers thrash hardly, Harry Biscuit eats a lot (and also his father invented the biscuit) and Flora Dies-Early [spoilers]). Therefore, you might think that Pip’s surname is Bin because his life is rubbish. Not so, for reasons I will explain shortly.

Pip finds himself low on funds, so decides that he will come up with a brilliant invention to make some money. Harry tries to help, but all his ideas involve swans so aren’t much help.

You didn't hit me that hard – This is a Dickens parody, and we haven’t had a Christmas Carol reference yet, so we should get on that post-haste. While lamenting his inability to come up with an invention, Pip is visited by the Ghost of Lives Yet to Come (Sir Philip)

Pip: Oh! The Pointless Man!

Sir Philip: I prefer The Man from Pointless, but OK.

At one point Sir Philip hits Pip with his book, and Pip says:

“You didn’t hit me that hard yesterday!”

I don’t know if this was true or if it’s actually scripted (presumably on Tuesdays he would say “The last guy didn’t hit me that hard!”)

Throughout the second act, London has been gradually filling up with rubbish*, some of which is made of screwed-up pieces of paper created by Pip coming up with bad ideas for inventions. This gives him the idea for a metal cylinder to put all the excess rubbish in. Soon, he is the richest man in London because of his invention. However, this good fortune doesn’t last…

*Including the pile of books, which throughout most of the second act is covered with rubbish.

Trash can – Enter Jedediah* Trashcan, brash American inventor of the trash can (John Hopkins), who claims that Pip stole his idea. Trashcan is blatantly Benevolent in disguise, but possibly because of being used to all the dual casting, Pip doesn’t recognise him. Trashcan is convinced that Pip stole his idea, so he threatens to sue him.

*This first name may be incorrect

Jury – Pip and Trashcan end up in court before Judge Hardthrasher (Marc Pickering). This Hardthrasher is much more lenient than the others as he has learned that Pip killed his two brothers (whom he hated) until Pip mentions also having killed his sister.

Hardthrasher: My sister? But I loved her like a brother!

Fortunately for Pip, this is a trial by jury so the judge’s personal conflict of interest shouldn’t affect the verdict. Unfortunately for Pip, the jury is made up of Hardthrasher wearing three different hats and putting on multiple accents (presumably Pickering was not content with playing four parts, so added another three).

Unsurprisingly, the jury finds Pip guilty (especially after seeing Trashcan’s CCTV painting of Pip stealing his blueprints), and the Judge* sentences him to Hang by the foot until he is dead.

*Sorry but I can’t remember how the Judge dies either.

It's me you idiot – Finding himself in prison, Pip waits to be executed, but has a surprising visitor in the person of Bakewell Havertwitch (remember him?) Bakewell confirms that he has been following Pip around London, helping him, Harry, and Pippa where he could. He says that he will now help Pip to escape.

Trashcan then enters, who says he has petitioned for Pip to go free. Still not recognising him, Pip is grateful.

Benevolent: It's me you idiot.

Pip: Mr Benevolent! What an incredible disguise!

Benevolent: And now you must die! [Draws his sword]

*Note – Almost everything about this section is probably false, as I can’t remember exactly what happened

Bread sword – Once again Pip finds himself in a swordfight without a sword, but fortunately Bakewell uses his own talent to bake a sword out of bread (he may have already had this in his apron; I can’t remember).

Benevolent: Ah, you may have a sword made out of bread, Pip bin, but I have a sword made out of sword*! [He instantly slices Pip’s sword in half]

Nevertheless, Pip somehow manages to regain control and acquire Mr. Benevolent’s sword (I can’t remember for definite, but I think Harry’s swans were involved).

* "Sword made of sword” would have been a much better subtitle for this section.

Chechov's Gun – No, Pip doesn’t use it to kill Benevolent. For those of you who don’t know, Chekhov’s Gun is a rule devised by Anton Chekhov (hence the name) which states that:

If a gun is mentioned in the first act, it must be fired by the end of the play.

Chekhov didn’t write for television or movies, but the rule still applies. To see the rule used at its most effective, watch Paddington 2. One day I’ll write a more detailed blog on Chechov’s Gun.

Back to Bleak Expectations, the gun is a prop which has been at the back of the stage since the beginning of the play. Benevolent grabs it, saying:

Thank you, Mr. Chekhov!

It has three barrels (not chambers, that’s not a misprint), which admittedly reduces its practicality, but makes it ideal for killing three swans at the same time (those currently thinking that killing swans is illegal have clearly forgotten that mere moments ago Benevolent was planning to murder someone).

New Girl B99 crossover meme

Pip manages to corner Benevolent behind a pew* (that’s important for the next bit), but he says that he will not kill him because he’s better than that.

*Yes, they’re in a church now*²

*² No, I can’t remember how or why. I think that Pip was marrying Flora, but I can’t think what the segue was to get them from the prison.

Death – Harumble* for Pippa and her anvil!

Pippa: Well, if you won’t do it, I will. [She drops the anvil on Benevolent’s head, killing him]

*A word Harry invented which I should have mentioned earlier. It means an exclamation of delight, to be used in place of words like Huzzah and Hoorah, but not in place of words like cauliflower or mattress.

Chechov's Letters – The other near-death in the climactic fight, which I should have brought up earlier. Ripely is also present at the wedding, where unsurprisingly, the bride died early from a terminal case of sword-through-abdomen*.

Re-enter Ripely, who Benevolent shoots dead (yes, this bit happens before the anvil-crushing incident).

After Benevolent is killed, Ripely sits up unharmed. Those of you who have been paying attention can probably guess how. From Glass Onion to Blackadder the Third, anyone who stores things next to their heart, will inevitably be shot there, and survive due to the object stopping the bullet*².

Ripely removes the stack of letters and Pip realises that she was the one he loved all along, so they get married. After that, they knew that life was going to be anything but bleak.

*This is funny, but I have no idea if it’s right or not.

*² This doesn’t work in real life so don’t try it.

Sequel? – Probably not. At the time, I was worried that Benevolent (the story’s main antagonist) was dead, leaving little opportunity for further stories. I then remembered the reason that wasn’t a problem in the radio show (Benevolent spends Series 2-5 in varying states of deadness, including being Frankensteined with several of his body repeatedly falling off (bringing new meaning to the phrase cauliflower ear), and as a ghost).

More importantly though, since learning about the run being cut short, I don’t think that a sequel would be commissioned ☹.

Technically the story is resolved anyway, so there’s no real reason to have a sequel.

 

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the hand belonged to a stagehand who I can’t name as he wasn’t listed in the program. It may have been one of the understudies instead, but I didn’t recognise him.