The Obligatory Cats Rant
Guess who's far too late to jump on the Bandwagon?
Nevertheless, this is happening. I've been putting this off, but I'm putting it up now because this Friday, the original 1998 movie (a recording of the stage show)will be published on ALW's YouTube page for 48 hours. Too late, you missed it. OK, that was partially my fault almost entirely my fault.
First of all, I need toaddress the elephant in the room answer a few questions:
Have I seen the movie?
Yes.
Have I seen the stage show?
Yes.
Is the movie objectively terrible?
Yes.
Is the movie subjectively terrible?
Not in my opinion. And that's as close to a review as this post is going to get.
Rant (Short Version)
Well what did you expect?
Rant (Long Version)
Broadly speaking, the people who hate Cats fall into two categories. And they're both wrong. Here's why:
The two groups are:
People who enjoy musicals
People who enjoy movies
Musical-lovers
The plot of the stage show can be easily summed up in one sentence:
Everyone introduces themselves, then one of them dies.
Purists will look at that and moan that I'm over-simplifying it (I'm not), but just for them, I'll readjust my synopsis, now including technical jargon.
Once a year, the Jellicle Cats meet together at the Jellicle Ball. They all introduce themselves, and then one of them is chosen to go to the Heaviside Layer.
Cats Glossary
Jellicle Cats (n.) - Cats who are Jellicle
Jellicle Ball (n.) - Annual celebration where a group of cats kill one of their peers. This is somehow a good thing.
Heaviside Layer (n.) - Cat Heaven
Jellicle (adj.) - Haven't the foggiest. (I said this as a joke, but there is an actual answer. You can find it here)
Why is the plot so tenuous and stupid?
Because the musical is not based on a story, or even songs, like a jukebox musical. It is based on a book of poetry. ALW wrote tunes to go with the songs, and, for the most part, they are actually quite catchy and enjoyable.
Tonight, the role of Macavity the Mystery Cat will be played by Darth Maul.
I, on the other hand, was not raised on the musical. I was not raised on the movie. I was not even raised on the book. I was raised on the soundtrack. Well, not actually the soundtrack. It's actually a recording from a Best of the Musicals compilation album (or something like that). Therefore, I know the track by its lyrics. Example case study (1st verse):
Macavity's a mystery cat, he's called the hidden paw
For he's a master criminal who can defy the law
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there!
Those lyrics imply that Macavity is:
Nevertheless, this is happening. I've been putting this off, but I'm putting it up now because this Friday, the original 1998 movie (a recording of the stage show)
First of all, I need to
Have I seen the movie?
Yes.
Have I seen the stage show?
Yes.
Is the movie objectively terrible?
Yes.
Is the movie subjectively terrible?
Not in my opinion. And that's as close to a review as this post is going to get.
Rant (Short Version)
Well what did you expect?
Rant (Long Version)
Broadly speaking, the people who hate Cats fall into two categories. And they're both wrong. Here's why:
The two groups are:
People who enjoy musicals
People who enjoy movies
Musical-lovers
The plot of the stage show can be easily summed up in one sentence:
Everyone introduces themselves, then one of them dies.
Purists will look at that and moan that I'm over-simplifying it (I'm not), but just for them, I'll readjust my synopsis, now including technical jargon.
Once a year, the Jellicle Cats meet together at the Jellicle Ball. They all introduce themselves, and then one of them is chosen to go to the Heaviside Layer.
Cats Glossary
Jellicle Cats (n.) - Cats who are Jellicle
Jellicle Ball (n.) - Annual celebration where a group of cats kill one of their peers. This is somehow a good thing.
Heaviside Layer (n.) - Cat Heaven
Jellicle (adj.) - Haven't the foggiest. (I said this as a joke, but there is an actual answer. You can find it here)
Why is the plot so tenuous and stupid?
Because the musical is not based on a story, or even songs, like a jukebox musical. It is based on a book of poetry. ALW wrote tunes to go with the songs, and, for the most part, they are actually quite catchy and enjoyable.
"There had never really been a dance show in England. It was poetry set to music with dance. I mean, it looked like a recipe for disaster!" - ALW. Really.
Now this leaves a problem with the musical-to-movie conversion. In the stage show, the cats already know each other; they don't need to introduce themselves. They have to do this for the audience's benefit.
So what's the problem?
Simple. In the movie, they don't have an audience, so they needed to create a character to represent the audience. This they do in the form of Victoria (Francesca Hayward), a minor character from the stage show who doesn't have her own song.
In the stage show it's vaguely implied that Victoria is younger than the other cats, but not explicitly stated. As I said, she doesn't speak at all in the stage show (strictly speaking, virtually none of them do; they just sing, but in Victoria's case she doesn't even do that) so she is ideal to be removed from the main group and be treated as an outsider to represent the audience.
The above paragraph was only one sentence.
It wasn't, but you went back to check, didn't you? Anyway, back to Cats.
In the opening shot of the movie (using another overture which is less underrated, but still underrated IMO. See my previous post to find out what other song I think is underrated) some giant cat eyes (the 'logo' of the stage show) appear in the sky, then we pan down to a car in an alleyway. A woman gets out of the car carrying a pillowcase. Then this happens (Overture ends at 0:44).
This is a classic case of the storytelling device Show, don't tell. I over-described the very first part because I couldn't find any online clips, but that entire section is done completely wordlessly, yet in under 2 minutes we know Victoria's entire backstory and why the other cats will be explaining what is going on. (your brain may have to fill in some gaps for you).
You may also wish to note that this woman (seen only from the waist down) is the only human in the entire movie. There aren't any humans at all in the stage show, because there are so few 30-foot actors. That's not relevant, but I thought you might want to know anyway.
This, according to musical lovers, will be Strike 1.
How dare they use a narrative device in a movie?
Strike 2, of course, is the attempt at a plot.
A movie with a plot?Appalling! Next thing they'll be wanting to 'flesh out characters'!
As I mentioned earlier, Cats doesn't really have a plot, but since this is a movie, we need to make it a bit more engaging for people.
Therefore, the movie keeps the whole 'introductions then death' vibe but adds a lot more focus on Macavity (Idris Elba). In the stage show, several times the action stops and we hear the riff that begins his song (listen to about the first 15 seconds, and you'll get the idea).
In the movie, they extend this out to his wanting to be 'chosen' todie go to the Heaviside Layer (he did not want to be chosen in the stage show). It's never explained why and his life seems to be pretty great, so it doesn't really make sense. Strike One for Movie Fans.
Therefore, every time a cat introduces themselves, Macavity kidnaps them, so he can be chosen by default.
SIDE NOTE: He never kidnaps Rum Tum Tugger (Jason DeRulo). Why?
Now, musical lovers will say that this completely ruins the character. That's because in the stage show, he's far more erratic and unpredictable. He also looks like this:
Now this leaves a problem with the musical-to-movie conversion. In the stage show, the cats already know each other; they don't need to introduce themselves. They have to do this for the audience's benefit.
So what's the problem?
Simple. In the movie, they don't have an audience, so they needed to create a character to represent the audience. This they do in the form of Victoria (Francesca Hayward), a minor character from the stage show who doesn't have her own song.
In the stage show it's vaguely implied that Victoria is younger than the other cats, but not explicitly stated. As I said, she doesn't speak at all in the stage show (strictly speaking, virtually none of them do; they just sing, but in Victoria's case she doesn't even do that) so she is ideal to be removed from the main group and be treated as an outsider to represent the audience.
The above paragraph was only one sentence.
It wasn't, but you went back to check, didn't you? Anyway, back to Cats.
In the opening shot of the movie (using another overture which is less underrated, but still underrated IMO. See my previous post to find out what other song I think is underrated) some giant cat eyes (the 'logo' of the stage show) appear in the sky, then we pan down to a car in an alleyway. A woman gets out of the car carrying a pillowcase. Then this happens (Overture ends at 0:44).
This is a classic case of the storytelling device Show, don't tell. I over-described the very first part because I couldn't find any online clips, but that entire section is done completely wordlessly, yet in under 2 minutes we know Victoria's entire backstory and why the other cats will be explaining what is going on. (your brain may have to fill in some gaps for you).
You may also wish to note that this woman (seen only from the waist down) is the only human in the entire movie. There aren't any humans at all in the stage show, because there are so few 30-foot actors. That's not relevant, but I thought you might want to know anyway.
This, according to musical lovers, will be Strike 1.
How dare they use a narrative device in a movie?
Strike 2, of course, is the attempt at a plot.
A movie with a plot?Appalling! Next thing they'll be wanting to 'flesh out characters'!
As I mentioned earlier, Cats doesn't really have a plot, but since this is a movie, we need to make it a bit more engaging for people.
Therefore, the movie keeps the whole 'introductions then death' vibe but adds a lot more focus on Macavity (Idris Elba). In the stage show, several times the action stops and we hear the riff that begins his song (listen to about the first 15 seconds, and you'll get the idea).
In the movie, they extend this out to his wanting to be 'chosen' to
Therefore, every time a cat introduces themselves, Macavity kidnaps them, so he can be chosen by default.
SIDE NOTE: He never kidnaps Rum Tum Tugger (Jason DeRulo). Why?
Now, musical lovers will say that this completely ruins the character. That's because in the stage show, he's far more erratic and unpredictable. He also looks like this:
Macavity in Cats
Tonight, the role of Macavity the Mystery Cat will be played by Darth Maul.
I, on the other hand, was not raised on the musical. I was not raised on the movie. I was not even raised on the book. I was raised on the soundtrack. Well, not actually the soundtrack. It's actually a recording from a Best of the Musicals compilation album (or something like that). Therefore, I know the track by its lyrics. Example case study (1st verse):
Macavity's a mystery cat, he's called the hidden paw
For he's a master criminal who can defy the law
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair
For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there!
Those lyrics imply that Macavity is:
- Sneaky
- Clever
- Cunning
- Subtle
I listened to the track repeatedly when writing my play Tangents: A play about something else (it's as bad as it sounds and you can see it live on the 17th of never because it's illegal to perform). I hijacked the character and made him much subtler than in Cats. In fact, when I wrote it, it never even occurred to me that that was what anyone would do with the character.
Tangents will soon be available as a fully interactive story, with all the illegal bits removed (That wasn't a joke, it was a series of musical numbers and some fictional characters still under copyright. I have adapted it to make it interactive and legal and you can access it here (It's possible that not all the links work yet, so you won't be able to see the whole story)
Tangents will soon be available as a fully interactive story, with all the illegal bits removed (That wasn't a joke, it was a series of musical numbers and some fictional characters still under copyright. I have adapted it to make it interactive and legal and you can access it here (It's possible that not all the links work yet, so you won't be able to see the whole story)
I got distracted again. That's how the play got its name. Point is, Stage Show Macavity does not match the lyrics AT ALL. And that is why Movie Macavity is better than Stage Show Macavity. QED.
You just got bored of writing the section above so you wrote QED and then moved on like the lazy idiot you are - Ed.
What's your point? - VFLD
Movie-lovers
Strike One for movie fans, as we discussed, was the plot (or lack of one). Why are they wrong?
Simple. Look at the source material. To illustrate my point, I'm going to imagine a pitch meeting for Cats:
Screenwriter: So I've got this idea for a movie...
Movie Exec: I like it so far, go on...
S: So it's a musical.
ME: Good, movie musicals make a lot of money. Greatest Showman made more than 5 times its budget back. It would be great if we could make that much money.
S: You don't care how good the movie is?
ME: No, just how much money it makes. Did no one tell you how Hollywood works?
S: Yes, but I thought we would be less blatant when discussing it.
You're on a tangent. Bring it back - Ed.
ME: No, we only care about money, not how good the movie is. So is it like Greatest Showman?
S: Well, no. It's not so much a musical like Greatest Showman, because there's very little dialogue, it's mostly just singing and dancing.
ME: Ah, like Les Misérables! That one made back more than 7 times its budget back. Won 3 Oscars too. Can your movie win me some Oscars?
S: Well, I hope so. I should tell you though, it's not like Les Misérables either.
ME: In what way?
S: Well, it doesn't really have so much of a story per se.
ME: Oh good, because Les Misérables was way too much story. I tried to stay awake the whole time, but I just couldn't manage it.
S: No, my movie doesn't really have a plot at all.
ME: Wait, what?
S: See, the plot is really just secondary to the dancing and the singing.
ME: So it's more like a ballet?
S: I suppose so, yes.
ME: Right, I see. That makes it a bit riskier though. Sure, some of those National Theatre Live things did OK, but I'm not sure we can make a proper movie out of it. How long would it be?
S: About 2 hours.
ME: Great. Anything else I should know?
S: Yes, all the characters will be cats.
ME: Yikes. Well is it at least based on an existing property?
S: Of course. It's based on the stage show Cats.
ME: And did that make any money?
S: Better part of 3 billion dollars.
ME: GIVE THAT MAN 95 MILLION DOLLARS!
Want to see this pitch meeting but actually funny? Click here.
Wow, that was a long and bizarre tangent. I would add unnecessary - Ed. I think that explains why the movie got made, and also why it shouldn't have been made.
Strike 3 with movie fans will, of course, be the visual effects. Granted, this will probably also be a problem for musical fans, although slightly less so. I saw a meme which summarised this perfectly, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to find it again (and believe me, I've looked!) Basically, it was the text below, but with the actual picture, not just links.
Movie fans: Humans playing cats is freaky and disturbing! They don't look like humans, and they definitely don't look like cats!
Musical fans: Yeah. We know.
Not sure what else to say on this.
Here are some of the best reviews/articles about Cats that I've found:
Unbiased reaction/commentary
Rant about the scale problems
Review by someone who actually enjoyed it
The most accurate description of the movie I have seen (1st 2 seconds only) NOT KID FRIENDLY
RANT OVER!
Next time: English entertainment, explained for Americans
You just got bored of writing the section above so you wrote QED and then moved on like the lazy idiot you are - Ed.
What's your point? - VFLD
Movie-lovers
Strike One for movie fans, as we discussed, was the plot (or lack of one). Why are they wrong?
Simple. Look at the source material. To illustrate my point, I'm going to imagine a pitch meeting for Cats:
Screenwriter: So I've got this idea for a movie...
Movie Exec: I like it so far, go on...
S: So it's a musical.
ME: Good, movie musicals make a lot of money. Greatest Showman made more than 5 times its budget back. It would be great if we could make that much money.
S: You don't care how good the movie is?
ME: No, just how much money it makes. Did no one tell you how Hollywood works?
S: Yes, but I thought we would be less blatant when discussing it.
You're on a tangent. Bring it back - Ed.
ME: No, we only care about money, not how good the movie is. So is it like Greatest Showman?
S: Well, no. It's not so much a musical like Greatest Showman, because there's very little dialogue, it's mostly just singing and dancing.
ME: Ah, like Les Misérables! That one made back more than 7 times its budget back. Won 3 Oscars too. Can your movie win me some Oscars?
S: Well, I hope so. I should tell you though, it's not like Les Misérables either.
ME: In what way?
S: Well, it doesn't really have so much of a story per se.
ME: Oh good, because Les Misérables was way too much story. I tried to stay awake the whole time, but I just couldn't manage it.
S: No, my movie doesn't really have a plot at all.
ME: Wait, what?
S: See, the plot is really just secondary to the dancing and the singing.
ME: So it's more like a ballet?
S: I suppose so, yes.
ME: Right, I see. That makes it a bit riskier though. Sure, some of those National Theatre Live things did OK, but I'm not sure we can make a proper movie out of it. How long would it be?
S: About 2 hours.
ME: Great. Anything else I should know?
S: Yes, all the characters will be cats.
ME: Yikes. Well is it at least based on an existing property?
S: Of course. It's based on the stage show Cats.
ME: And did that make any money?
S: Better part of 3 billion dollars.
ME: GIVE THAT MAN 95 MILLION DOLLARS!
Want to see this pitch meeting but actually funny? Click here.
Wow, that was a long and bizarre tangent. I would add unnecessary - Ed. I think that explains why the movie got made, and also why it shouldn't have been made.
Strike 3 with movie fans will, of course, be the visual effects. Granted, this will probably also be a problem for musical fans, although slightly less so. I saw a meme which summarised this perfectly, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to find it again (and believe me, I've looked!) Basically, it was the text below, but with the actual picture, not just links.
Movie fans: Humans playing cats is freaky and disturbing! They don't look like humans, and they definitely don't look like cats!
Musical fans: Yeah. We know.
Not sure what else to say on this.
Here are some of the best reviews/articles about Cats that I've found:
Unbiased reaction/commentary
Rant about the scale problems
Review by someone who actually enjoyed it
The most accurate description of the movie I have seen (1st 2 seconds only) NOT KID FRIENDLY
RANT OVER!
Next time: English entertainment, explained for Americans
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