Y'all seen my palace? - Aladdin (2019) Review

This is the actual review of Aladdin, but fear not, the notes version will remain live, because it's funny. Check that out before reading this review, even if you've read it before, because it may have changed. Obviously, spoilers ahead for both Aladdin (1992) AND Aladdin (2019)

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the Genie in a town called Agrabah

Remind me later to tell you the story of the woman with 100 children.

Quick bit of backstory before I start the review. If you're not interested, skip to where it says MOVIE.
As I'm sure you know, before a movie in the cinema there are about 20 minutes of adverts and trailers to sit through. My mum hates this part and thinks it's totally unnecessary, but my brother is obsessed and wants to be there for all of it.

Today was my brother's turn and we were at Vue, which has the longest queues at the best of times (the one near where I live, deliberately unidentified because anonymity. Others may differ).

Tonight, the place was overflowing so much that police were present and the queues were ridiculously long, but fortunately, we had learned from our mistakes at The Lego Movie 2 (Seen before the blog was started, so forthcoming review unlikely) and pre-bought our tickets (didn't see that one coming, did you?)

Anyway, once we were in, we started to watch the adverts. I'm used to the ODEON, which usually means various ads, often the same ones you've seen before, but also ones that can only be seen in cinemas. They're also nearly all car ads as well for some reason.

However, apparently, the rules are different in Vue, because most of the ads there were instead for Vue. I AM ALREADY HERE! YOU'VE ALREADY SUCKERED ME IN!! (by which I mean the ODEON wasn't showing it at a reasonable time)

The other bizarre thing was that playing off the recent success of The Lego Movie, Playmobil have decided to throw their hat into the mix with Playmobil: The Movie. Of course, since then it's been 5 years and we've had loads of other movies with that level animation AND more complicated levels of animation (that image contains SIX different animation styles in a single frame of footage, so, yeah. No wonder it won Best Animated Feature in the Oscars, Golden Globes, BAFTAs AND a tonne of others).

I'm getting off track, why didn't you stop me? Anyway, Playmobil: Late to the party much? Plus, it doesn't look particularly great AND I've looked at the cast and I literally recognise two names (Adam Lambert and Daniel Radcliffe). No, I don't expect great things from Playmobil: The Movie.

MOVIE

Now let's face it, you came to this movie to see how it would compare to the 1992 animated version, and more specifically how Will Smith would compare to Robin Williams. If you didn't, you're not lying to me, you're lying to YOURSELF.

Now you know if Williams had been alive, Disney would have asked him to do it, probably with motion capture to allow for the transformation into various impressions. Genie remains blue and genielike through most of the animated classic, just floating instead of walking, which is why people were alarmed when they saw the original promotional poster for the movie.

However, with Williams unavailable, Disney turned instead to the talents of Will Smith. Now Smith knew he'd never match the talent or style of Williams; no one could. Therefore he did the most logical thing under those circumstances and didn't try.

That is, he doesn't try to emulate Williams. He instead captures the spirit of the Genie and brings his own fresh take on it, in a similar way to James Monroe Iglehart, although Smith doesn't entirely emulate him either.

The main reason for the human-looking Genie is that Genie spends most of the movie disguised as a human. But we'll come to that in a minute.

The movie opens on a large ship (odd choice, being as Agrabah is famously far inland despite boasting fresh fish every day). The camera then shifts to a far smaller ship next to it (it might be a boat, I've never known the difference).

Two children we don't recognize are playing on the boat and soon their father joins them. He looks familiar. Don't tell me, don't tell me, I've got it! Will Smith!

Hang on, isn't it a bit early for the Genie?

So it turns out that this is not Genie at all, but Smith in a dual role as a framing device as a storyteller.

SIDE NOTE: This technique was also used in the animated version, although the setup was different. Williams played a peddler at the beginning of the movie who is supposedly telling the story. In the original though, the peddler sounds very different from the Genie, so the dual role is less obvious.

As Smith begins his story, the children request that he sing, which he refuses and then instantly starts singing anyway, one of the songs from the animated version, Arabian Nights.

At this point, I will note that several of the 1992 lyrics are now considered offensive or just inaccurate. In this case, the original lyric was

It's barbaric, but hey, it's home

The updated lyric is

It's chaotic, but hey, it's home

Which is much better.

In the 1992 version, the song appears before the movie starts, whereas, in the remake, the short framing device scene comes first. I think this works even better, except that it misses the initial exposition about why Jafar is at the Cave of Wonders (played by Frank Welker, the only cast member to reprise his role(s) in both movies. Welker also plays Abu the monkey AND Rajah the tiger).

With that said, the orchestration of this song (and indeed, all the songs) are, IMO, better than the original movie. The majority are just different orchestrations of the same songs though, so they're easier to compare

I have a few bees in my bonnet about the next song - One Jump Ahead

Bee No. 1

I'll start by drawing your attention to the movie's rating - PG in UK, and I assume the same elsewhere. Their words:

mild fantasy threat

Less than 3 minutes in, the guards? Police? sing the lyric:

Rip him open, round the back guys

That's the modern version, changed from

Rip him open, take it back guys

Does 'ripping the main protagonist open' constitute

"mild fantasy threat"?

I would argue no.

Bee No. 2

'nom de plume'

Aladdin says:

One jump ahead of the slowpokes One skip ahead of my doom Next time gonna use a nom de plume

For those who don't know, nom de plume is a french phrase literally translating to 'pen name'. See also: pseudonym. Is Aladdin implying that next time he is arrested, he won't run away, just give the guards a fake name and still HAVE HIS ARM CHOPPED OFF? See also: Bee No. 1.

Bee No. 3

In the 1992 version, there is the lyric

You're my only friend, Abu!

In 2019, the lyric is

Could really use a friend or two

There are ZERO reasons to change this.

Bee No. 4

It includes the lyric

Oh it's sad Aladdin has hit the bottom
He's become a one-man rise in crime

This is sung by the women who in the original were working in a brothel, although none of us realised because we were young and innocent. Lucky us. Fortunately, it now seems to be a school of some sort.

Also, in both versions, It's impossible to understand.

Bee No. 5

What exactly IS a one-man rise in crime? One more criminal? A pioneer in crime? A crime overlord?

Bee No. 6

Why is this guy Scottish?

Bee No. 7

Aladdin says

Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat
Otherwise we'd get along

The guards reply with

Wrong!

Why? If Aladdin didn't steal, he would probably be a market trader of some sort. The guards have no real beef with the market traders, so why wouldn't they get along? Also, with the number of traders there, they might not even know he existed!

Bees done.

Off the beat by beat train and onto favourite bits!

Do you trust me?: Twice in the movie Aladdin says these words to Jasmine, once as Aladdin and once as Prince Ali. This is the most obvious comparison, but they also spend a significant amount of time interacting with one another, so Jasmine should definitely recognise him. They have the same problem in the animated movie. People is idiots!

Speechless: Not to be confused with one of the best shows ever committed to television. Speechless in this case is the new song written especially for the 2019 version. All the other songs were written for the 1992 version by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman. Menken wrote the music and Ashman the lyrics, in a similar way to Bernie Taupin and Elton John.

For the new one however, Menken contributed several of the instrumental pieces, but Ashman was otherwise indisposed, so the new song was written by Benj Pasek & Justin Paul, with contributions by Menken. If you haven't heard of them, I'm not surprised, but their impressive combined CV includes La La Land and The Greatest Showman, and we all know how badly those movies tanked.

While watching the movie, it doesn't seem out of place and in fact, if you hadn't seen the 1992 version, it would probably feel totally normal. However, listening to the soundtrack on repeat, as I have been doing for the past 2 weeks, it starts to stand out as not quite fitting in with the other songs.

That's not to say that it's bad, of course. In the 1992 version, Jasmine wasn't a very developed character in the original. Not only was she before Disney were REALLY into female empowerment (although they were getting better), she is according to my research (Googling the words 'Disney Princesses') the ONLY DP to not be the main character (Excepting the approximate equality of Elsa and Anna in Frozen), and one of very few to not have her name and/or description (Princess and The Frog, Sleeping Beauty) in the title.

Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent. You probably disagree with me anyway. In this version, Jasmine is much more developed and instead of her motivation just being wanting to marry for love (I have more thoughts on THAT below), her motivation is that she wants to be Sultan, a job she is not allowed to do because she is a woman.

The rapping: One new thing that Smith has brought to the character of the Genie is his signature move of rapping, which he is probably best known for in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but he has also done as part of promotional material for the Men in Black movies. Because the Genie sings, Smith has not written any new raps/songs for the movie (although he does add a beatboxing section to Friend Like Me).

Instead, he changes the rhythm of some of the songs to have more of a beat behind it, which he explained on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon. 

Prince Ali: A few more bees in my bonnet about this one.

Bee No. 1

In the original, Genie says

Heard your princess was a sight lovely to see

No problems there. Again no reason to change it, but my problems here go deeper. In the new version, he says

Heard your princess was hot! Where is she?

WARNING: LENGTHY TANGENT AHEAD! IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY TANGENTS, SKIP AHEAD TO WHERE IT SAYS WHERE IS SHE?

It's a good job this isn't in the original. This is a whole bee on its own. In case you weren't already aware, all the animated Disney princesses, most of whom end up getting married or implied marriages, are RIDICULOUSLY young. Quick lowdown:

Snow White: 14, Kissed while unconscious
Jasmine: 15, Forced into marriage
Ariel; 16, Don't know, never seen it.
Aurora: 16, Kissed while unconscious
Mulan: 16, Saved an entire country from war for little to no reward
Merida: 16, Grown men literally fight to marry her
Moana: 16, Never seen it but I think it's relatively OK based on what I've heard
Belle: 17, Ostracised by society for being literate (see also: Stockholm Syndrome)
Pocahontas: 18, Don't know, never seen it
Rapunzel: 18, Imprisoned from birth
Anna: 18, Unnecessarily isolated so much she mistakes her first interaction with another human for true love
Cinderella: 19, Marries someone she knew for less than 12 hours
Tiana: 19, Entrepreneur and business owner (finally, a happy ending!)
Elsa: 21, Unnecessarily isolated so much she destroys an entire country upon encountering other people

It gets even more messed up if you check the ages of the people they marry (the ones that do), so I won't go into that.

All their stories are messed up, but Jasmine is one of the few where her age is directly referenced, with the Sultan saying
"You must be wed before your 16th birthday"

Therefore the 10,000+-year-old Genie calling a 16-year-old hot would be very creepy. Fortunately, although Genie remains presumably the same age, Jasmine can be assumed to be the same age as Naomi Scott, who plays her. Scott is 26, only a year younger than Mena Massoud (Aladdin), who was 18 in the original.

If you want, you can also dig into the fact that Scott is only 5 years older than Smith's real-life son Jaden, but that's for you to analyse.

WHERE IS SHE?

And we're back on track. My actual bee with this is that when Genie says this, he is talking to the Sultan, who is standing on the balcony of the palace with Hakim, the palace guard; Jasmine and her handmaiden Dalia. This should mean Genie should be able to tell that either Jasmine or Dalia is said princess, even if he can't tell which one.

Later it transpires that he actually SPOILER ALERT falls in love with, and eventually marries, Dalia, so he might assume she's actually the princess, but even being wrong, he shouldn't need to include that line. At most, the line should be:

Heard your princess was hot! Which is she?

I don't care if it doesn't scan. If you don't like it, get rid of it altogether!

Bee No. 2

At one point near the end of the song, instead of singing the words 'Prince Ali' as usual, the main chorus sing 'Prince Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah'. Smith talks over this, saying:

"We're waiting for you!
We're not going till you go!
You can do it!
[The Sultan taps his finger on the balcony]
THERE it is!"

The song then resumes. This, presumably, is in an attempt to copy the original, in which the chorus does the same thing. EXCEPT THEY DON'T. In the original, the entourage is just about to enter; Jafar stops the Sultan from opening the door and finally Jafar is immediately overpowered and subsequently crushed by an elephant (What did he think would happen?!)

Because the word 'Ali' is held for slightly longer than the previous uses of the word, people assume it was actually a lot longer. This is a classic example of the Mandela Effect, which causes people to believe things and have genuine memories of despite the fact that they are definitely incorrect and usually easily proven wrong.

Other examples of the Mandela Effect are: Nelson Mandela dying in prison is the 1980's (what the effect is named after); The start of the Friends theme song containing 5 claps (there's actually only 4); The Kit-Kat logo (there's actually no hyphen) and the TV show Sex in the City (it's actually called Sex AND the City),. More examples.

Bee No. 3-5

There are several other changed lyrics. I can't remember what they are because it's been like 2 months and 7 movies since. Look them up if you're interested.

Sultan: In the animated version, the Sultan was mainly a comic character, with little personality or character development. In this version, he has less screentime but leaves more of an impact because he is more interesting. Admittedly, he is mainly on the sidelines of the main story, but he forms a major part in Jasmine's subplot about wanting to be Sultan. He and Jafar several times talk about politics, and the issue of Jasmine's mother is finally addressed.

Hakim: Hakim is a new character created for the reboot. In the 1992 version, the guards/police (still don't know which, sorry) were also minor comic characters (see: fish trousers. See also: see the monkeys). Hakim is a more complex character and although he is not given much backstory (We're pretty sure he has a family of some kind, but we don't know any details  (0 sources, so I could be wrong)), we know he is loyal to the Sultan.

Hakim is faced with a difficult decision at the climax of the movie. Jafar wishes to become Sultan, so Hakim has to decide whether to remain loyal to the 'true' Sultan or transfer his allegiance to Jafar. This is a major plot point of the movie and what I think is Hakim's story apex. Eventually, he decides to stay loyal to the true Sultan, not executing him or Jasmine (I think this was the dilemma, but as I said earlier, 2 months, 7 movies, no apologies) because of Jasmine appealing to his sense of loyalty.

Jafar: I was a bit worried about Jafar, because although everyone else was focussed on how Genie would be messed with, the film's villain wouldn't be given the proper attention. My main worry was his accent, because he had an English accent, as all good movie villains should, even though the actor who plays him is actually American. I had a similar worry about replacing Jeremy Irons as Scar in The Lion King, but I'll talk about that more in that review.

Fortunately, they kept the accent, although they toned it down a bit. I should probably be against this, but given how the character has changed, I actually think it works quite well. In this version, Jafar is not portrayed just as evil, but more relatable. He explains that he was also a theif, but instead of keeping to minor thievery, he worked his way up as a politician instead. He says:

I was like you, but my ambitions got bigger. Steal an apple, and you're a thief - steal a kingdom, and you're a statesman.

This is an obvious reference to... [does research] something. Maybe Mark Twain? Yes Minister?

FUN FACT: Disney does not own the rights to Aladdin, Jasmine, Genie or the Sultan, but they do own the rights to Jafar. This is because all the other characters are from the original story, which is, depending on your sources, anything from 300-700 years old. However, the main villain in the original story is called Abanazar. It is also interesting to note that the original has TWO genies, not just one - The Genie of the Ring AND The Genie of the Lamp.

Iago: Iago is interesting. The character is original to the story of Aladdin, but he is actually based on a character in the Shakespeare play Othello, so I have no idea who owns the rights to him.

The new version is even more interesting because the movie includes both not enough AND too much of him. What do I mean by that? I'll explain.

Not enough: in the 1992 version, Iago is a great character in himself, and although he does not usually directly affect the plot, he makes a fun foil to Jafar. He is sarcastic, irritable and has his own character (If you're wondering why Genie sounds odd in that clip, it's because that's from the TV show, where he was played by Dan Castellaneta. You've probably never heard of him, he's not been in anything else famous).

SIDE NOTE: Click here to watch IMO the funniest cameo of all time.

NEW Iago has none of that. New Iago is, in a word, a parrot. He just repeats words that people say and doesn't have any original thoughts or dialogue. This is very unfortunate, and I'll explain why later in the review.

Too much: Despite this, Iago has WAY more screen time than the original. But it's completely wasted and boring, except the climax, where for no apparent reason Jafaruses his sorcerer powers to make Iago giant and chase Aladdin, Abu and the Magic Carpet through the streets of Agrabah to get the lamp.

WHY?! Granted, in the 1992 version Jafar sent them to the other side of the planet and threw a building at them, but somehow this feels weirder.

Spinoff: As I mentioned earlier, it is unfortunate that Iago doesn't have any proper dialogue, and this is because he is played by the phenomenally talented Alan Tudyk. Tudyk has provided voices regularly in Disney and some of its subsidiaries since 2012.

Wreck-it Ralph: Turbo/King Candy
Frozen: Duke of Weselton
Big Hero 6: Alistair Krei
Rogue One: K2-SO (voice only)
Zootopia: Duke Weaselton (See the meta-humour?)
Moana: Heihei (the chicken)
Ralph Breaks the Internet: Knowsmore

I bring this up because all of these are great characters and I for one would love to see a movie just starring some or all of them. Note that I didn't include Iago, because he's boring and has no character.

Raises more questions: At the end of the movie, Aladdin uses his last wish to free the Genie as per the story. Where this story differs forom the 1992 version though, is what Genie does next. In the 1992 version, he flies into the sky and apparently goes to Disneyland (We're not sponsored!).

In the new version, however, he instead says he wants to take Dalia (Jasmine's handmaid) and live on a boat (she says big, but he says small). She agrees and says she wants children as well.

Questions this answers

• Who was the man on the boat at the start? (They actually show a flashback to confirm that this is the case)
• Who were the children?

Questions this raises

• Did freeing the Genie mean he lost his powers?
• Did Aladdin wish for Genie to be human? (that doesn't always work out great (link contains censored curse words. watch at your own discretion)
• Why did the Genie not want to be friends with Aladdin as he was in the 2 straight-to-video sequels and associated TV show?
• Why did Genie want a small boat?
• Did Genie give himself a 'regular' name?
• Did they buy the boat or did Genie 'magic it up'
• How do they make a living?

So yeah, that epilogue raises more questions than it answers.

How many wheelchairs? TWO MONTHS. SEVEN MOVIES. IF YOU FIGURE IT OUT, PLEASE TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS. OTHERWISE, THIS IS A MYSTERY AND WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

I hope you enjoyed that review, and I hope you'll come back for more when I've actually written something else.

Aladdin comes out on DVD on September 23 in the UK, Sep 10 in the USA and I don't know when everywhere else.

Next review: Toy Story 4











Did you think I'd forgotten the questions? Because I hadn't. Previous answers:

Elton John's real name: Trick question. I expect you said Reginald Dwight? Wrong. That was his birth name, but unlike most singers, he doesn't just use a stage name, he actually legally changed it. Elton John's real name is Elton Hercules John.

Once Upon a One More Time: Once Upon a One More Time is the jukebox musical based on the music of Britney Spears. Seems obvious now, doesn't it?

New questions:

1. What links Aladdin (1992) and Scooby-Doo?
2. In what movie would you find Batman with a Disney princess girlfriend?
Don't worry if this question confuses you. What it actually means is:  In what movie would you find an actor who played Batman with an actress who played a Disney princess as a girlfriend?
For example: When did Batman and Pumbaa fight Dwight from The Office?
A: Monsters vs. Aliens (Will Arnett and Seth Rogen vs Rainn Wilson)